Rise of the OtherGod Apostle: Not a Cult Leader, but a Serf?!

#188Reader Mode

T/N: Thanks for the coffee Creo! ૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა

#188

“Of course… they’re all me.”

When I said that, House Lizard strolled over to the shelves and grabbed a book off one of them. He brought it to the desk, held it by the spine, and gave it a good shake. Pages came loose and drifted down onto the wooden surface.

He smiled a little and fanned them out like he was dealing cards.

“These are all the timelines that have been discarded. I’ve only saved the points where your choices split off in different directions. So. What do you want to see?”

“Show me our first meeting.”

I had to figure out what I’d done that made Athanas notice me to begin with.

The instant I picked up the first page, everything went white.

Wait, where—?

A staircase. The one that led down to the branch library’s basement.

I tried turning my head, but it was no use. My viewpoint was stuck. Didn’t matter how hard I tried to look somewhere else, the angle wouldn’t budge. It felt like being locked into one of those first-person game cutscenes where you can’t control anything.

I recognized this moment. This was when I was standing there, trying to decide if I should go downstairs or not.

「Fuck, this place is creepy.」

My own thoughts played out over the scene like someone had added voiceover narration after the fact.

「Of course, this isn’t a horror game, so there won’t be anything like that…」

…Alright, this is really dragging on. Can I skip this somehow?

Besides, this was just a deleted save file anyway.

The instant I thought it, the scene lurched forward—like somebody had mashed the skip button during boring dialogue—and everything went into fast-forward.

Stop when Athanas shows up.

「“…Do you happen to have business down here?”

“Whaah!”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“…Ah.”

“Ah?”

It’s Athanas!!」

…Damn. It’s actually worse than I remember.

I’d practically jumped out of my skin when I heard his voice, almost fell down the stairs trying to keep my balance, and then just froze there—jaw dropped, eyes like saucers—looking like a gaping fish the moment I realized who’d caught me.

The secondhand embarrassment was so intense I could feel my soul trying to leave my body. I wanted to dig myself a grave and climb right in.

Is this some kind of joke? Did I have to look that suspicious?

And why the hell did I spend so much time overanalyzing him offering me water? What was I gonna do next? Spit it on his face once he asked if I recognized him?

I exhaled a small, defeated breath.

Maybe if I’d had better Mental Power, I wouldn’t have made such an idiot of myself.

…Actually, hold on. Could I fix that now?

Just do a quick self-suggestion to nudge my Mental Power stat up a little. Nothing crazy. People take medication for this stuff every day in the real world. This would just be the magical equivalent of a Xanax or beta-blocker. Some emotional padding. Preventative maintenance.

Just enough to keep the panic from taking over…

「”…I would like to apologize.”」

「”I wanted to see whether you knew about Retrograde.”」

「”If you’re someone who retains their memories even when time resets, wouldn’t this explanation serve as a starting point for trust?”」

Wow.

Can you imagine if the Distorted One or Mother Aelusia had been on the other end of that confession? The second they heard he had Retrograde, they would’ve lit up with glee and used him until there was nothing left.

You never show your hand like that.

Athanas probably thought he was being clever about it, but honestly? He came off more like a teenager discovering his superpowers for the first time and rushing to tell someone.

Then again, it’s always the reckless, brave teenagers who save the world. The ones too young to be jaded. A cynical adult who’s given up on humanity would just build a bunker the second the apocalypse started.

「”…The power to turn back time is terrifying. It means no one will ever know what I’ve done. I’m scared that one day, I’ll stop seeing people as people.”」

Since everything resets anyway.

「”But I remember. I remember my mistakes. The sin doesn’t disappear. The only thing that disppears is the chance to ask for forgiveness.”」

..Seriously, he’s so painfully principled it hurts.

And all I could think was…If I hadn’t been an idiot and called out to the Saint back then, would things with Athanas have just ended right there?

I couldn’t help wondering what happened to the version of me who kept his mouth shut…

“Fabio.”

House Lizard’s voice was quiet.

“If you don’t want to lose track of where you’re going, don’t let your sense of justice wander you off course.”

“…Yeah, got it.”

I turned back to the stack of “time that never was.”

You know what they say. Tragedy up close, comedy from far away. Watching myself practically shake apart with fear while Athanas literally just stood there doing nothing was beyond mortifying.

Maybe I should just turn off my sense of shame for a while?

Because honestly, I don’t think I’m gonna make it through this otherwise.

I clenched my jaw.

…No. The embarrassment means I still recognize that person as me.

If I numbed the shame, I’d be cutting myself off from my own past. If I want to figure out what really happened, I’ve got to deal with it.

Deep breath. I picked up the next page.

Tertius had his sword pointed right at Athanas’s throat.

Wait, what?

How the hell did we get here?

「What the actual fuck is happening?」

Apparently, ‘past-me’ had no idea either.

As I listened to Tertius interrogate Athanas, everything started making sense.

Did he seriously get busted following me by an Apostle?

When Athanas—trying desperately not to get condemned for faking Valentine’s revelation—panicked and said he was in love with Fabio, only to get called out as a liar immediately, I actually laughed out loud.

So back then, he hadn’t figured out how to work around the Apostle of Emotion’s power yet.

Obviously, the “me” in the recording was way too freaked out to see the humor. His thoughts were all over the place.

「”This… this is some kind of test, right? You’re testing whether I remember the Heretic Slayer, aren’t you?”」

‘Past-me’ was grasping at straws, trying to make sense of what was happening.

If this was a test, playing dumb would count as lying the second they found out I had my “player” memories. And if the Church of Order really went this hard with their testing, they’d catch me eventually no matter what.

So maybe being brutally honest was my only play.

But the real concern was, what if this wasn’t a test at all…

「Athanas can’t die!」

After a split second of agonizing indecision, “I” threw myself right in front of the sword.

And the memory went black right there.

…What?

That’s when he rewound time?

Athanas must’ve activated Retrograde the exact moment he realized I was about to jump in and save him.

I grabbed the next page. Athanas was staring at “me” in complete confusion, like he was dying to ask why the hell I’d done something so stupid.

Too bad he couldn’t ask now.

The person standing there in front of him wasn’t “me” that did that anymore.

Athanas hesitated, then used Retrograde.

Same scene all over again. Athanas gets caught following me. Gets called out by an Apostle for making up Valentine’s revelation.

“I” freaked out again and came to the exact same desperate conclusion.

「”Stop!!”」

…You’ve got to be kidding me.

Did Athanas set up the whole situation again just to see if I’d throw myself in front of the sword a second time?

Actually, I can’t really blame him. If I accidentally triggered a cool cutscene and then loaded an old save by mistake, I’d probably make the same choices just to see it again. That’s how curiosity works.

Except this isn’t a game.

Listening to my ‘past self’s’ thoughts—scared out of my mind, totally convinced Athanas was about to die, throwing myself in harm’s way to save him—the whole thing felt like some twisted joke.

That’s what happens when you have Retrograde, I guess. Everyone else just becomes an NPC to you.

Athanas eventually backs me into a corner until I bring up “Savior of Order.”

The guy’s got a sword sticking out of his thigh and he’s still running an interrogation. Doesn’t that already prove he’s thinking like the Heretic Slayer?

And then, while I’m standing there in shock, spilling everything, he asks me to be his “party member.”

Yeah, no thanks.

I’d rather drop dead right there.

I mean, obviously I cave and agree at some point, but…

…How the hell did we even get there?

I remember being the one who approached Athanas first.

I was too freaked out to check the basement by myself, so I made up some lame excuse to get him to come with me.

Then he got hurt by a trap another player placed there, and I felt too guilty to keep lying… so I told him the truth about who I was.

Wait, so he orchestrated that entire thing?

It’s a weird feeling.

I know every move I made seemed logical at the time.

But looking back… it’s like the person making those decisions wasn’t really me.

Even watching all this, I didn’t feel anything. It should’ve been shocking, but my emotions about Athanas stayed completely flat.

It was like staring at a photo where someone had cut out the face.

You can’t tell if they’re attractive or ugly, happy or sad.

There’s just this empty hole where a person should be.

Kind of creepy, honestly.

The [Retrograde user] grabs me the instant the loop resets and starts confessing everything.

Even when I tell him to stop, Athanas refuses to let go.

After a beat, the ‘me’ in the recording asks for time to think—and the second he gets free, he smashes through the library’s stained-glass window.

「”Turn it back right now! Make it so it never happened. Or I’ll jump!”」

Total bluff. He had zero intention of actually doing it.

If Athanas had called him on it and just walked away, I would’ve died for nothing. What kind of threat is that supposed to be?

…That’s the kind of move you only try when you think the other person’s a pushover.

Athanas was offering up Retrograde like some kind of peace offering to build trust, which made him look easy to manipulate.

If he really was just some rookie trying to recruit a Heretic, watching me freak out like that should’ve sent him running for good.

Seeing ‘me’ make such a naive miscalculation made me sigh without thinking.

Wrong. You’re so completely wrong.

Athanas hesitated, then activated Retrograde again.

This time, he skips the Retrograde confession entirely. Instead, he disguises it as something else, pouring his heart out about his “fears.”

「”…I’m afraid that when this person finds out the truth, he’ll be horrified. That he’ll hate me. Despise me.”」

Why couldn’t you just let me go?

Athanas could’ve chosen literally any other party member. Why go after the Reader who has a full-blown panic attack at the mention of time loops?

I don’t understand the obsession with Fabio.

Maybe it was sunk cost fallacy. I was his first real “lead,” so he couldn’t bring himself to give up.

Someone should’ve told him to learn when to cut his losses.

Watching myself give him advice that would basically roast future me alive was giving me a headache.

「”…Because eventually, that person will realize it. What you did wasn’t deception… it was salvation.”」

Goddammit.

He actually said it.

「[SYSTEM: ‘Athanas’ has been deeply moved by your words!]

「Well, obviously.

That was the point.

I was quoting what Saint Adelaide said to Inquisitor Athanas word for word.」

So that’s when Athanas was deeply moved.

Finally, this makes sense.

I’d always wondered why that notification never popped up. I figured Athanas just auto-filtered anything crazy a Heretic said.

“So when did he learn Forced Persuasion?”

I was mostly talking to myself, but House Lizard answered immediately.

“Right here.”

I took the paper from him without really thinking about it.

The scene melted away and reformed.

This time, I knew where I was.

‘I’ was sitting in Bishop Andrea’s office, slogging through doctrine studies.

While ‘I’ scribbled notes on a wax tablet, I was mentally complaining about the Rider of Civilization’s player. Why haven’t they invented mass-produced paper yet?

Then, without warning, the door burst open. Someone stormed in, weapon drawn.

「”Fabio!”

“Athanas? What are you—”」

‘I’ shot to my feet, startled.

「Why was Athanas here? And barging in like this—no matter how urgent it is, you don’t just storm into a room without knocking. Especially not with Bishop Andrea right there—」

The thought never finished.

Blood erupted from Andrea’s throat like a geyser.

I’d heard once that the human heart is a powerful pump. Cut the carotid, and it’ll spray like a hose. Paint the walls red.

Across from him, Athanas calmly flicked blood off his blade. Like it was nothing. Like this was routine. Like he’d just shaken water off an umbrella after a walk in the rain.

Athanas… killed Andrea?

Why?

And when did this loop happen?

「”What… what did you just do?!”」

‘I’ screamed the words.

But I felt absolutely nothing.

Should I… maybe turn my emotions back on for this?

I looked at Athanas’s face, trying to make sense of it, but there was nothing.

I really couldn’t feel anything about him at all.

He was just a void to me. A shadow shaped like a man.

「”…I can explain.”」

That empty thing in Athanas’s shape started talking.

Athanas said he’d seen Andrea kill me.

I almost laughed. Yeah, right. Bishop Andrea cherishes me. He spoils me way too much, if anything.

His Mental Power must’ve completely tanked. He’s hallucinating.

Even after ‘I’ calmly explained all that, the [Retrograde user] still wouldn’t turn back Andrea’s death.

「”I’m not using it because I believe this situation is the best possible outcome.”

“…You think this is best? Are you out of your mind?”

“I truly believe it. You’re alive. You’re unhurt. You’re safe… and you’re trying to trust me.”」

…Who the hell would trust you after this?

Athanas had already lost it. He couldn’t tell what was real anymore. Couldn’t tell right from wrong.

It was tragic, honestly. A power as dangerous as Retrograde had landed in the hands of someone too far gone to handle it properly.

‘I’ didn’t believe him, either.

At the very least, ‘I’ couldn’t let this nightmare become permanent.

「Why? Why? Why? Why won’t you use Retrograde? Why…」

‘I’ was desperate, frantic to get through to Athanas somehow, whatever it took.

And when someone with the right conditions makes a wish that desperate—

You get a miracle.

So that’s when I picked up Forced Persuasion.

‘I’ read through the skill description and immediately put it together: Athanas was already “deeply moved.”

「If I just back him into a corner with logic… if I don’t give him any wiggle room...」

I can undo everything.

That single thought took over ‘my’ entire mind.

「”…This is my fault. Fabio, please forgive me.”

Forgiveness?

I don’t need to forgive you.

Because this is about to be erased anyway.」

‘I’ felt this huge sense of relief.

「It’s not too late.

“Athanas, this isn’t the best outcome. You can do better.”

I just need to convince him.

“How is this possibly the ‘best’? If killing Andrea was your solution, you should’ve exhausted every other possibility first. Talk to him before you murder him. Act like you don’t give a damn about my life. Lie about securing Adelaide’s safety. Pretend some other Watched One brainwashed you. There are a thousand things you could’ve tried. How can you call this the best outcome when you didn’t test every single alternative?”

“…How many times do you want me to watch you die?”

“Who cares if I die?”」

‘I’ let out a laugh of pure disbelief.

「”You just murdered Andrea without blinking, didn’t you?”」

Athanas tried to explain how it wasn’t the same thing.

But ‘I’ had already tuned him out.

Retrograde only works for an hour. The clock was ticking.

「”Why does it matter if you know someone? Actually—forget it. I keep forgetting you’re basically a kid. You haven’t had this power long, have you? Even with high Mental Power, you’re not immune to developing psychosis. The odds are just lower. You can still break. I get it now. You’re in shock. This is just trauma doing the talking.”」

‘I’ cupped Athanas’s face gently in his hands.

「”Athanas. Look at me. I’m right here. I’m alive. So why are you so scared of watching me die?”」

「”Do you really think the erased time matters? You saved me. Why torture yourself over a time where I died when I’m standing right here, alive?”」

Athanas’s face twisted with pain.

…That’s the exact same expression Andrea had under Forced Persuasion.

「”Want to know the secret to making the pain stop?”」

「”Use Retrograde. Watch me die again. Even if you get nothing out of it, just watch. Think of it like exposure therapy. You beat fear by looking it straight in the eye. Anything gets easier with repetition. Humans are built to adapt. The second time will hurt less. The third time, even less. Keep going until it doesn’t bother you anymore. Then you’ll be fine.”

“…Fabio. Please. You need to calm down.”

“Calm down? I’m thinking perfectly clearly. You’re the one who’s losing it, Athanas. You’re under a status effect. Trauma doesn’t just disappear, not even with a Blessing. Actually, it gets worse. The only way to beat it is exposure therapy. Do you understand?”

“…I don’t want to get used to that. I don’t want to become numb to death. I—I don’t want to turn into the butcher you think I am.”

“Athanas. You have to conquer this fear. Use Retrograde. Trust me.”」

「“Still not convinced? Fine. Let me spell it out for you.”」

「”‘I did my best, so I’m moving on…’ That’s the right attitude. We only look back to figure out what went wrong and fix it for next time. Once you’ve got the lesson, dwelling on it is just wasting energy. You can’t change what already happened. Even if things didn’t go perfectly, calling it the ‘best you could do’ is the only sane way to keep going.”」

「”But that mindset is for people who can’t change the past. People who only get one shot at life.”」

「”You don’t get to use that excuse, Athanas.”」

「”Why do you think you got a power like this? Because you’re the only one who can save this world.”」

‘My’ words just kept coming, one after another.

I went on about the hellish world waiting for us if the Distorted One won. How we absolutely needed Adelaide. What a complete waste it would be to let this chance slip away…

I dismissed his fear, his relief, his resolve as just “temporary shock.” If he was too scared to use Retrograde, he’d basically be handing victory to the enemy. That’s exactly what the Distorted One wants. You don’t get to walk away. Not you. Athanas has to carry the burden. The burden of a fate written in blood. Savior of Order. The duty that comes with power. A responsibility that’ll chase him to the ends of the earth…

「”You can run all you want, but you’ll never escape yourself.”」

「”Don’t you see how hard I’m trying to get through to you? I’m begging you to use Retrograde before time runs out. Please, Athanas.”」

「”If you don’t reverse this, I’ll never stop thinking about what could’ve been different. Eventually, I’ll start wishing we’d never met. You were born to save the world. What if I’m the one who broke you? If I wasn’t here, none of this would’ve happened. If I hadn’t teamed up with you, if I hadn’t questioned Order—hell, if I’d never come here just because I wanted to stay alive…”」

「”Athanas, if you don’t use Retrograde, you’re leaving me trapped in this nightmare.”」

「”Is that what you want for me?”」

「”Athanas.”」

「”Use Retrograde.”」

「”And never tell me it exists.”」

…Crazy. I sound like I belong in a padded room.

T/N: Sorry for the wait on this one! Between this chapter being tough to work on and me being sick, it took a bit longer than usual. 🙁

It’s interesting to watch Fabio here. He seems to be vaguely acknowledging his “past self,” but he’s definitely maintaining some psychological distance by referring to past versions of him in the third person. Honestly, I don’t blame him. It would be incredibly hard to accept memories you don’t remember, especially when they show you saying or doing such unhinged things.

Also, if you’re still feeling confused, don’t worry. I’m pretty sure that’s the intended effect. We don’t have the full picture yet, though it feels like the author is finally starting to give us some real answers. Make sure to check the RIDI comments to see the discussions on some cool theories! I’ll write up a summary once I feel like we have enough clues to put it all together, just like last time.